Vulnerable musings of the feminine

These last couple of weeks have uprooted a lot for me to feel - confusion, pain, sadness.

I’ve felt my levels of fatigue higher these couple of weeks (for those of you that don’t know I’ve been healing a Crohn’s diagnosis).

I wonder, is it the emotions creating fatigue. Or the flare up imbalancing my emotional states.

After a period of everything feeling great for a while - love, work, health - I found myself noticing that, and then some other things surfaced. Perhaps some sadistic self sabotage?

The other day I remembered someone who used to be very present in my life would admire me,

“When you walk into a room you light it up” 

I remember a past lover sharing something along these lines to me and I remember it to be true in the community we were in 

In all vulnerability, sometimes I find myself wondering do I still do that 

Do I still hold that same level of radiance I once did 

Or was it stronger because it was being noticed and reflected, and thus inspired to come online more? 

Do I hide too much in my cozy life on the ridge?

Was it that I was different in the crowd we were in and now being in a community where so many are immersed in dance, unique clothing, polarity, temple arts, that we can feel less like we make a big impact 

That perhaps as time goes on when you’re not “new” it loses that spark 

Or am I simply more integrated, grounded, rooted, wholesome 

More focused and been worked by deep transits within Saturn and my ketu dasha 

Do I still have that radiance and wild sensual energy, yet it’s more cultivated and refined 

As I offer it to one man, is it less noticed solely because it’s less leaky than it once was 

Or simply just needing to step out of the regularity of the beautiful and amazing lifestyle I’ve created, into some more play and wild abandon with my sisters 

The vulnerable ponderings within as my heart cracks open 

These transits with Saturn (almost coming to completion with Saturn return, and also in my Sade Sati for 5 more years) have really worked me.

I feel Saturn has molded and reformed me, in so many good ways, and it has brought so many blessings

And I have this deep fire within that has been getting antsy, ready to break out.